Norrington's Special Fic
by La Pamplemousse
Summary: COMPLETE A fic just for our little Commodore Norrington! Everyone's fallen madly in love with him except for Jack Sparrow! What on earth is going on? Another curse, perhaps?
1. The Beginnings: Will and Elizabeth

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my love for Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp.

La Pamplemousse, crazy nutcase of the Feminine Grapefruit tribe, sat watching Pirates of the Caribbean, and sighed. 

"I love Norrington."

The world stopped moving for a second, as everyone who had ever seen Pirates did a double-take and stared at the 14-year-old girl.

"Everyone's so mean to him. He was going to jump after Elizabeth when she fell off the cliff-fort-thing, and he let Will take his woman, and he said "By remembering that I serve others, not just myself.". He's an awesome, nice guy, who has a bunch of yes-men at his disposal! Why does everyone hate him?"

She suddenly leapt to her feet. "I know! I shall write-eth him a fanfic of his very own-eth! And he will be so loved he will never frown again! And then, maybe, he'll wear some pink frills!" 

La Pamplemousse had a fetish for men in pink lace and frou-frou.

She sat down, and began typing.

~*~

Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norrington the 13th and ¾ woke up one morning, put on his spiffy blue suit, and his fluffy white wig. He then walked to the window, opened it, smiled, inhaled the fresh sea breeze coming in from the harbor, and said with joy, "What a beautiful morning! No pirates!"

Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norrington the 13th and ¾ skipped down the steps of his house, and hurried off in direction of the harbor. While he walked, he noticed that everyone was staring at him. "What's going on?" he thought. "Is my wig on backwards?"

He suddenly walked right into a pretty young lady. "So sorry, excuse me." He said, before recognizing her. 

"Elizabeth?"

"Commodore!" She said, her voice suddenly a high-pitched squeal. "How nice to see you! Is that a new wig?"

"Um… no, it's not."

Elizabeth giggled in a flirtatious way, scaring the Commodore to no end.

"Are you feeling all right, Elizabeth?" he asked. "Is your corset on too tight? Why aren't you off snogging that Will fellow?"

"Oh, but Commodore…" purred Elizabeth in a would-be seductress voice that made Commodore Norrington flinch. "…you're so much more…interesting then Will…" 

"But…I thought you were going to marry him! I said he could have you… really, it's okay! I'm over it!"

"But Commodore! I love you!"

Norrington looked puzzled. "No you don't. You love Will, and I am all alone. That's the way the world works!"

Elizabeth leaned closer to Norrington, and puckered her lips. Norrington shrieked, ran away, and hid behind a building.

"Oh dear, I suppose she's drunk. I knew that bloody pirate would rub off on her…"

He peeked out from behind the building. Elizabeth was gone. Norrington breathed a sigh of relief and began strolling down to the docks again.

Suddenly, a man ran up to him.

"Mr. Turner?"

"Commodore! How are you this fine day?"

"Um…" Commodore Norrington considered telling the man that his fiancee had just been hitting on him, but decided against it. "I'm all right, Mr. Turner."

"Oh good!"

"Yes… Mr. Turner, why are you even talking to me?"

"Just…er…saw you in the street and decided to say hello. You're looking nice today."

"Mr. Turner, you're frightening me…"

"I CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER! I LOVE YOU, COMMODORE NORRINGTON!!!" screamed Will.

"You forget your place!" said Norrington, taken aback.

Will leaned close to Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norrington the 13th and ¾ and whispered, "My place is here…"

"EEK!!!" Norrington took off down the street. "Has everyone gone mad?"

It was not turning out to be Commodore Norrington's day at all.


	2. A Curse?

Norrington sighed. He had hidden near the fort, and was hoping that no-one could see him. 

"What the devil has gotten into Turner and Elizabeth?" he wondered. "Perhaps it's the water…"

Suddenly, a hand clasped his shoulder. 

"AAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Norrington, bearing a striking resemblance to a woman.

"Calm down sir, it's only me." Said the man, who happened to be Norrington's Number One Yes-Man, Gillette.

"Oh, Gillette, thank God…" said Norrington, standing up. "I think Miss Swann and that Blacksmith Turner have gone mad! They've been… talking to me in ways that are quite unacceptable!"

"Calm down sir!" said Gillette. "You're very tense…" Gillette began massaging Norrington's shoulders. Norrington shoved Gillette off him.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Just trying to get you to relax, sir."

"I don't need you giving me a bloody massage, man! I need help! What do you think is going on?"

At Norrington's shouts, Murtogg and Mullroy hurried over. "What's wrong sir?" asked Murtogg.

"I think he needs a lie-down." Said Gillette. "He's probably very overworked."

"Ah, yes sir, you're an inspiration to us all." Said Mullroy. "But perhaps you need a rest?"

"I don't need a rest! I need someone to tell me what's going on with Turner and Miss Swann, and why they've been acting so strange!"

"I don't think their actions are strange at all, sir." Said Gillette, moving closer to Norrington. "You're a very attractive man…"

Commodore Norrington uttered a sound that was suspiciously similar to "Meep!"

"Gillette's right, sir. You're big, fluffy white wig is very nice-looking…" Mullroy added, moving closer on the other side of Norrington.

"And that's no lie!" said Murtogg, coming towards him.

Norrington was now cornered between 3 men and a wall. 

"Dear God, not you as well!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!?!" 

Norrington pushed his way out of the circle and ran for his… honor. As he ran, he saw random people turn, stare, and declare their passionate and undying love for him.

"NOOOOOO!!! THIS IS AGAINST ALL THAT IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!!!"

He suddenly ran into a man. "ARGH! KEEP AWAY FROM ME!!!"

The man looked puzzled. "What are you on about, mate?"

"Wait a minute, I know you! Jack Sparrow!"

"CAPTIAN Jack Sparrow, if you don't mind…"

"Just what I need right now… my world is turned upside down, my wig is loosing its poof from all the running, and I'm talking to a PIRATE!!!"

"WOAH! Stop screaming, mate, you'll bust my eardrums… and that really wouldn't be a pretty sight…blood comin' out me ears and all…"

"Wait a minute, you're not attracted to me, are you?"

"…And when you think about it, you scream very much like a woman… rather frightening… and your wig makes you look 50 years older than you really are… so I'd rather not met my demise at the hands of ye, no offense, mate, and… Wait, what?"

Norrington jumped onto a conveniently placed bed in the middle of the street that revolved and began striking poses in a pale imitation of Austin Powers.

"Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you…"

"Stop that, stop that!"

Norrington hopped off the bed.

"Well?"

"Please, never do that again… I have a massive hangover and you're not making it any better…in fact, I think I've been scarred for life just now, thanks very much, mate…"

"But are you madly in love with me?"

"Erm… sorry to disappoint you, mate, but I just don't swing that way."

Norrington breathed a sigh of relief. Jack looked confused. "Commodore Norringwhatzitz, what's going on?"

"THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW!!!"

Jack put up a hand. "Please, no more screaming… no more…"

"Sorry, Pirate."

"I have a name, you know."

Norrington rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Jack Sparrow."

"CAPTIAN!!! CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW!!!"

"All I know is this: I woke up this morning, and everyone was in love with me… except for you."

Jack sat down on a barrel. "Well, Commodore Nottingham…"

"Norrington."

"Close enough, mate. Well, it seems to me you've got The Curse, and you've got it bad…I'm not affected, because I was drunk last night, which is probably when it started… I love rum… bloody fun stuff… once, that wench Elizabeth burned it all… I cried…not in public of course, waited 'til I was all on my onesie, savvy? But believe you me, Commodore Knox…"

"Norrington."

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

"What is this… 'Curse' you speak of?"

"Well… it's an awful thing…The Curse of the Self-Mary-Sue…everyone around you falls in love with you…can't get rid of 'em, savvy? They'll just keep comin' atcha…" Sparrow wobbled on his barrel. "It's hell, I can tell you…"

"And how do I get rid of the curse?"

"What do you think, mate? You must go to the Authoress… a terrifying beast, not quite human… and demand that she let you go free."

"That sounds simple enough. Where is this Authoress you speak of?"

"Ha!" Sparrow smirked. "That's just it. You wouldn't know!"

"Now see here, Pirate! I've sailed all over the Caribbean, I think I can find a bloody Authoress!"

"You can't. She lives on an island that is invisible to all except to those who have been there…"

"This is sounding more and more like what you told us about the Black Pearl."

"And I was right, wasn't I?"

Commodore Norrington crossed his arms. "And I suppose YOU know where it is?"

"I've been there once or twice… free rum… drank the place dry… good times, good times…"

"Then take me there."

"What?" asked Jack, incredulous. "You expect me to do this for you for nothing?"

"I should arrest you right now, but I'm hiding from the rest of the men."

Jack brought his face close to Norrington. "What'll ya give me, eh mate?"

"I do not make deals with pirates."

Suddenly, Governor Swann ran by not seeing them. "Oh Commodore Norrington? Where are you, darling? I'd like a word with you, Lover!"

"EEP!" Norrington turned quickly to Sparrow. "What do you want?"

Jack smiled, showing his gold teeth. "Now we're talkin'."

"Gold? Silver?"

Jack laughed. "Too small for me, Commodore Nuttybar."

"Norrington."

"Close enough. Anyway… I want…" Jack spun around in a circle with his eyes shut for a few seconds, pointing his finger straight out in front of himself, then stopped and opened his eyes. He was pointing at a beautiful new ship in the harbor.

"I want that."

Norrington exploded. "THE SS SEAMONKEY!?! NO WAY IN HELL!!!"

Governor Swann's voice drifted through the air. "Norrington! My love, my lust, the one I imagine tied to a bed covered in whipped crème and marshmallow-y stuff… Where are you?"

Norrington turned and hastily shook Jack's hand. "It's yours. Now can we go?"

"Certainly. Let me just get my effects." Jack reached inside of the barrel and pulled out his hat, sword, and pistol. Jack began stroking the hat and talking to it softly.

"Well luv, we're going on another adventure, you 'n me…"

Norrington stared at Sparrow with a look of confusion on his face. 

"That man is very odd." Norrington said to his wig. 


	3. Norrington Gets Some Lovin'

Norrington and Sparrow crept along the streets, careful to keep out of sight. They finally made it to the docks, and saw that a young man was standing guard over the SS Seamonkey in the place of Murtogg and Mullroy.

"Oh dear… Sampson. He'll never let me pass…" groaned Norrington.

"Now why d'ye say that, mate?" asked Jack.

"Oh, perhaps the fact that he's wearing an "I Love The Commodore" tee-shirt over his uniform? Just a guess."

Jack looked at Norrington. "So, how are you gonna get us on the pretty boat…? I mean, ship." Jack corrected hastily.

"Me? You want /me/ to get us on?"

"Well, he's not just gonna let me stroll on and sail off with it, is he?"

Norrington shook his head. "Whatever you have in mind, Pirate, I can assure you…"

"Me name is SPARROW! Captain Jack Sparrow! Why doncha ever use me proper name?"

"Proper name? It said in your file that you were born Boo-Boo Shnookums Flamingo."

Jack clapped a hand over Norrington's mouth. "Ye say that name again and you can ferget abouts me helpin' ye, SS Seamonkey or not."

Norrington nodded meekly. "Yes sir."

Jonathan Stacey Samson stood, guarding the SS Seamonkey like Commodore Norrington told him to. He sighed. 

"Wow, that Norrington is so dreamy…"

He pulled out a notebook labeled 'Fic' and added a few details to his masterpiece, in which Norrington falls in love with him, and they frolic off into the sunset together.

"Indeed…" Sampson muttered. "He's a studmuffin all right… a definite hunk… much more so than that *urgh* John Nightingale or Joe Robin or whatever…"

"IT'S SPARROW!!! CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!"

"Ah, yes, that's the one. Wait, what?" Sampson looked up, and saw Jack standing there. "Oh, hello Pirate. I'm going to capture you now, so Commodore Norrington will notice me. Okay?"

"Lemmie think about it…er…not okay. Ya see, I've got me own special secret weapon for you to let me pass…"

"Never!" gasped Jonathan Stacey Samson. "You'd need to steal Commodore Norrington himself to get me to step aside!"

"Oh, okay." Said Jack, and he pulled out the Commodore from behind him. "Oh, and I don't like the word 'steal'. We commandeer things…" Jack gave a little giggle, and smiled at his hat. "Did ye hear me, luv? I commandeered the Commodore…"

Norrington rolled his eyes. "Oh help." He said in a monotone. "Do let someone let the pirate pass, or I'll be horribly killed, and thereby won't be sexy anymore. Oh please, help."

Sampson looked horrified. "Yes sir! Whatever you say!" He turned to Jack. "The ship is yours, Pirate. Just please don't hurt my lovemuffin!" 

Jack pretended to think hard. "I…. suppose so. But I'll needs to be takin' him with me, savvy? And if ye or any of yer other little uniformed boy-toys try to stop me, the Commodore gets it!" Jack made a slashing motion across his throat.

"Oh please, do what he says." Said Norrington, sighing with boredom.

"I promise." Said Sampson, then he turned to Norrington. "I'll find a way, my love. We /will/ meet again, I can promise you."

Sampson then kissed Norrington full on the lips for a few seconds, then, weeping, ran from the docks.

Norrington was paralyzed with a mixture of fear and shock. 

Jack smiled after Sampson, then turned to the Commodore. "Well mate, it looks like you just made a new friend!"

Jack then took off his hat and polished it for a second. "Isn't it so terribly romantic, luv?" he said.

The hat didn't respond.


	4. Barbossa Gets in on the Action

A/N: Thanks to Megan the Phantom Girlie for pointing out that Norrington's first name is actually James! Well… it's all cleared up in this chapter! 

~*~

Norrington and Sparrow hurried out of the harbor as fast as the boat could take them. Norrington wasn't much help, because he was still paralyzed from the kiss. 

Jack smacked him. That woke him up. 

"Are ye gonna help me or not?"

"Must I?"

"Yes."

Suddenly, they saw a few boats speeding towards them, the first being commanded by Sampson. 

"There he is, boys! We can't let him get away with our Snuggle Bunny!"

Norrington shrieked.

This caused the men in the boats to see him. Gillette, who was in a boat close to Sampson, shouted, "Don't you fear, James! We're coming to get you! Hold on!"

He turned to the boats behind him. "James is alive!"

The men in the boats all shouted loudly, "HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!!!"

Norrington shuddered. "They're Huzzah-ing. That's not a good sign, is it?"

"Nope. But look on the bright side!" said Jack with a smile.

"Bright side? What bright side?"

"None of them know your true name, Mr. Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norrington the 13th and ¾."

"Yes, I've done quite a good job convincing them my name is James and… wait a minute! How do /you/ know my real name!?!"

"Me hat told me."

"Ah." Norrington looked out at the men in boats behind him. "Can we go any faster, Pirate?"

"CAPTIAN JACK SPARROW, DAMNIT!!! And yes, I suppose. Hold on, mate!"

He then pulled a few ropes, dropping out many an emergency sail. 

"Now, bring me that horizon!" he said happily. Norrington smacked him upside the head. 

"Less catch-phrasing, more moving!"

Jack scowled. "You bent me hat!" 

He lovingly stroked it, and corrected the dent. He then grinned evilly, and made the ship go super-fast.

The wind whipped by at such an alarming speed, that it tore Norrington's wig off, and blew it out to sea.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Norrington. "WILSON!!!"

Jack and his hat cackled evilly. 

"Good idea, luv." Jack whispered to his hat.

They lost the men behind them with ease, but Norrington sat down and cried. "Wilson…" he sobbed. "Can you ever forgive me…?" 

He looked out to sea with a tragic expression on his face. "I loved you once…Goodbye, my love…"

"Aw, shut it, Commodore Needlepoint."

"That's NORRINGTON!"

"As soon as ye stop callin' me 'Pirate', maybe I'll be inclined to stop callin' you funny names that begin with 'N'…like Commodore Numchucks, and Commodore Ninja, and Commodore Nancy…"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture! Wait a minute, what the hell is that?"

Commodore Nancy…I mean, Norrington, pointed out to sea, where a little black dot was quickly approaching. 

Sparrow took out a spyglass and looked.

"Barbossa." He said grimly.

"Barbossa? I thought you shot him!" cried Norrington.

"Aye, well, I guess death isn't as fatal as one would think…"

Norrington snatched the spyglass. "What on earth is he wearing?"

Barbossa smoothed the maroon silk of his dress. That damned wench Elizabeth had wrinkled it terribly. When Barbossa had finally got it back, he cried a little. He had been keeping that dress safe for years, wearing it only on special occasions…like today! Finally, the hot, sexy Commodore would be his! He looked up and saw the Commodore on the deck of the SS Seamonkey, watching him as he got steadily closer. Barbossa stood up in his rowboat, the Mini-Pearl, and waved.

"Yoo-hoo! Commodore Darling! Yoo-hoo!"

"Look, mate!" said Jack, clapping his hand on Norrington's shoulder. "You've made another friend!"

He was now very close to the side of the boat, and was blowing kisses.

Norrington shuddered. "Could you take care of him?"

"Happy to oblige, mate." Jack took out a pistol and lazily shot Barbossa in the chest.

"I… feel…" said Barbossa. "I…feel…pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty, and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today! Lalalalala lala la lala!" he sang.

Norrington and Jack clapped their hands over their ears. "Make it stop!" Norrington moaned.

This time, Jack shot Barbossa in the head. Barbossa stopped singing the West Side Story classic, and collapsed in his rowboat.

"Thanks." Said Norrinton.

"My pleasure, mate. Savvy?" said Jack.

"Err…. Savvy." Answered Norrington.


	5. The Final Chapter, Complete With Battle ...

A/N: I'd just like to inform everyone that this is the FINAL CHAPTER. In this, you shall find… Insidious plots by inanimate objects, proverbial eyebrows, an EVIL NORRINGTON, more Norrington-almost-rape, the dreaded Grapefruit Isle, a climactic battle sequence, and THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF GOVERNOR SWANN!!! Enjoy!

~*~

Jack and Norrington continued sailing.

"Well, it seems we'll have to stop in Tortuga for some supplies." Jack said.

"Stop? In TORTUGA!?! ARE YOU MAD!?!"

"For the final time, Mr. Commodore Person Man, please don't yell so loud, savvy? Hit me over the head with a bottle of rum and call me Poopsie-Pie, you're annoying as hell…"

Norrington scowled. "Where do you pirates come up with these weird expressions?"

"I learned it from me hat. It's, ehhhh… what's the word? Omni… omisnic… errr… all-knowing."

"Oh really?"

"It's a special hat."

They docked in Tortuga, and Jack turned to Norrington. "Well, I suppose you'd better stay on the ship, while I get some nourishment, eh?"

Norrington weighed his options. He could stay on the ship, but as he was only one man, he wouldn't be able to do much if Gillette and the others found him, or if other people discovered he was here, and could be mobbed, or violated. If he went with Jack, he risked being seen, mobbed, and violated. Norrington shuddered. Neither was very safe. They both involved violation of his person, something which he was not looking forward to, to put it mildly.

Jack began to walk off the ship. Norrington hurried after him. "Don't leave me alone here!" After all, the pirate had proved useful before, right? 

As it turned out, Norrington was at least a little safe, as no-one was going to recognize him immediately on account of his lack of wig. 

"My wig…" sighed Norrington sadly. "Wilson…" He tried to hold back the tear threatening to leak out of his eye. They all thought he had loved Elizabeth. What fools they were! He was just trying to get closer to her so he could steal one of her hair ribbons for his one TRUE love, Wilson. Perhaps a pretty blue one, that could be tied in a big, fluffy bow… Wilson had liked bows.

"Commodore Nose-hair?"

"It's…" Norrington stopped himself. Although by the looks of this town, it seemed like everyone had been drunk last night anyway, so they would be immune to the curse, it wasn't a good idea to take chances.

"It's James and you know it!"

"Really? I thought it was Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norr…"

"SHUT UP SPARROW!!! LET ME WALLOW IN MY GRIEF OVER WILSON!!!"

Jack's Hat watched silently. This was not surprising, as, due to their lack of mouths and throats and other such vital organs, hats could not speak. Jack's Hat was also without eyebrows. This fact, that it had no eyebrows, or at least one, had been the source of anguish and pain to Jack's Hat for many years. Sadly, due to its lack of mouth, it could not communicate its sadness to Jack, and so lived miserably. However, if the hat had an eyebrow, it would have been raised.

Jack's Hat raised its proverbial eyebrow. A passing woman, who was probably a whore, looked at it longingly and sighed.

"I wish I had a proverbial eyebrow!"

She then went on her way, arm in arm with a very ugly and filthy gentleman who, like her, also had no proverbial eyebrow.

This made Jack's Hat feel slightly better. 

Norrington, Jack, and Jack's Hat made their way into a seedy-looking, squalid, and in all ways decrepit tavern, and were given some suspicious-looking food and huge tankards of rum.

"Um, pardon me…?" Norrington asked the woman who had served them, "Could I just have water, please?"

"Water?"

"Umm… yes. Yes please, err… Miss."

"Water?" She called back into the kitchen. "Ye 'ear that, Charlie!? 'e says 'e wants WATER!" She burst out laughing, and, as the sounds from the kitchen proved, so did Charlie. 

"Listen, me lad," she said, turning back to him and leaning her elbows on the table, giving the unfortunate Norrington a most undesirable view of her cleavage. "Water is fer sailing on, eh?"

Jack laughed and put his arm around her. "What have I always told ye, mate!? I LOVE Tortuga!"

Norrington sighed, and gingerly sipped his rum.

Suddenly, a very ugly and dirty man turned, saw Norrington, stared, did a double-take, and jumped to his feet.

"Well, sink me to the devil and make me his love slave, I'll be damned if it isn't Commodore Norrington!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Damn, it's Gibbs…"

"Gibbs? Not Mr. Gibbs the drunken sailor who mysteriously disappeared one day and reemerged 10 years later as a drunken pirate?" Norrington asked.

"Aye, the very same! How've ye been, Commodore? From what I've heard, you've had a pretty rough day…"

"Errr…"

Gibbs stood behind Norrington and put his hands on the man's shoulders, rubbing him gently. He bent close to Norrington's ear and whispered huskily, "Come on now, James… let mummy help…"

Norrington jumped about 10 feet, hit the ceiling, and ran screaming to hide behind Jack.

"Gibbs? I can't believe it! Ye wasn't drunk last night, mate?"

"I was busy…"

"What's more important than gettin' drunk, Gibbs?" asked Jack incredulously. 

"I… lost Fred."

Everyone in the seedy-looking, squalid, and in all ways decrepit tavern gasped. Except for Norrington, who was currently still trembling behind Jack.

"No!"

"Yes! He said that he couldn't stand how much attention I paid to the sexy Commodore, and left me!" Gibbs broke down in tears. 

Jack nudged Norrington. "Go on, comfort him, mate. Be a sport!"

"No way!"

"What, did you have more fun with Barbossa? I mean, I suppose he was attractive in his younger days, but now…"

"Creepy undead men with apple fetishes are NOT my idea of fun, Sparrow!" Norrington shrieked.

Jack's Hat paid no attention to the argument. He was too busy admiring Norrington's eyebrows. They were… PERFECT. The perfect eyebrows. And they were so close, Jack's Hat could smell them. Well, if Jack's Hat had a nose, and other such important organs, he would have been able to smell them.

That's that, Jack's Hat decided. He would kill Norrington in the dead of night, and steal the PERFECT eyebrows. Then they would be his FOREVER!!! 

If Jack's hat had a mouth, it would be open right now, cackling with evil glee.

"Who's Fred?" Norrington asked Jack later, after they had set sail once more and he was trying to get some sleep.

"His canteen." Jack said.

The next morning, they saw… an island.

"Land ho! There it be, mate… Grapefruit Isle… Home of the Crazed, Rabid Authoress La Pamplemousse."

Norrington stared. The island was no tropical paradise. It was dark, rocky, and downright creepy. "Well…" Norrington said, summoning all his courage, "We might as well go. I've grown quite tired of this curse…"

Suddenly, there was a shout, and Norrington and Jack turned violently. A bunch of men in boats were fast approaching.

"NO!!! How did they find us?"

"C'mon you scallewags! We're gainin' on em!"

"Gibbs."

Indeed, Gibbs and Gillette were heading the group of boats that were rapidly gaining on the SS Seamonkey. 

"Hurry!" Jack began to steer the Seamonkey to shore, hoping and praying to the God of Rum that they'd make it there in time. 

"Jack!!!" A shriek. A VERY womanly shriek. Norrington.

Jack once more turned from the wheel, and saw a sopping wet Will Turner on top of a frightened-looking Norrington.

"JACK!!!" Norrington screamed again.

"Oh, hush… I may be a blacksmith, but my hands are still smooth… Let me…" Will began to take off Norrington's shirt.

"NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF RUM, DON'T UNLEASH THAT HORROR ON THE WORLD!!!" screamed Jack, jumping onto Will and knocking him off Norrington.

"I'm not sure to feel grateful or insulted…" Norrington sighed, as he buttoned up his shirt again.

Will was shrieking like a eunuch and trying to get to Norrington, but Jack was determined to not let him.

"Commodore! Take the wheel!"

Norrington looked abashed. "Me? Steer the ship? Are you mad? We'll be killed!"

"Oh come on!" Jack said, as he punched Will in the nose. "You're a Commodore! You must know how to steer a boat!"

"Umm…"

"Never mind!" Jack sighed, "Sorry lad. Ye know I don't mean this." He then shoved Will overboard and began sailing faster than ever before. 

"NOOO!!!" Came a scream from one of the boats. It was Governor Swann. "NOT MY SUNGGLEBEAR!!! HE'S GETTING AWAY!!! NOOO!!! AFTER HIM!!!" 

However, Jack was far too fast. They crashed the SS Seamonkey onto the shore, and Jack grabbed Norrington's hand. 

"Hurry, this way!"

They ran across the rocky shore, until at last they reached the mouth of a cave. Sitting in front of the cave was a grapefruit. Jack nodded at Norrington, who picked it up.

Suddenly, in a whirl of orange and pink, they discovered themselves in a bedroom. A 14 year-old girl sat in front of a huge computer. Norrington cleared his throat. The girl looked up and squealed.

"Oh good, you made it!!! Hewo, my name ish La Pamplemousse! Hi Jack, the rum's over there."

She pointed to a closet, into which Jack quickly dove.

"Now then, as to you, my dear Norrington, what can I do for you?"

"I… I want this curse to be lifted!" 

She looked puzzled. "You DON'T like my story?"

"NO! It's so creepy!"

"No, what's creepy is that." She pointed to a cage in the middle of her room, where an ugly old man sat. He looked like a twisted, hunchbacked, loony version of Norrington.

"I'll get you, Elizabeth my sweet, my precious… if I have to kill every man you ever met, you'll be mine…" he babbled inanely. 

"Wha- What in God's name is that thing?!"

"That's your evil twin. He's the reason I wrote this. Scores of writers about this place ALWAYS portray you as a nasty, cold-hearted crazy bent on getting Elizabeth and killing Will, and killing anyone who would ever gets in your way."

"WHAT?" Norrington was confused. "But… But I'm nothing like that!"

"I know, dear. That's why I do this: Round them up and capture them. They must be destroyed… But anyway, you say you want out of this story?"

"YES!!!"

"Fine, fine…" She waves her arms about, and said the Magic Word: "HUZZAH!"

Norrington looked puzzeled. "The Magic Word is Huzzah?"

"YES! HUZZAH!!!"

Suddenly, there was a rushing sound, and Norrington found himself in his bed, sunlight streaming through his window. He got up, and poked his head out the window, to see that… no-one was watching him. A few children scattered when they saw him, a woman moved faster down the street than ever, and a man rolled his eyes.

"It was… all a dream?"

Norrington, still in his nightshirt and slippers, ran out into the street. He bounced into Elizabeth.

"Mrs. Turner! Do you love me?"

She looked as if she was going to be ill. "No."

Will Turner came up and took his wife's arm. Norrington accosted him. "Turner! Do you think I'm sexy?"

Will turned an interesting shade of purple, and hurried his wife along. Norrington smiled the biggest grin he'd had for a long time, and began to dance.

"IT'S GONE!!! IT'S FINALLY GONE!!!"

"Go put on some pants!" called a man from the corner.

"YAY!!!" Norrington was deliriously happy. It had all been a dream. A horrible, terrifying dream.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun around to see Jack Sparrow, standing there, arms full of rum.

"So… How's abouts our bargain, mate? I think I may have left the SS Seamonkey at Grapefruit Isle…"

Then Jack's Hat attacked.

THE END.

~*~ 

I just wanted to thank my reviewers! Without your constant encouragement, I could have never finished this insanely wacky fic! *throws cookies* FEEL THE LOVE OF SUGAR, AND THANK YOU!!!


	6. SECRET EXTRA CHAPTER!

A/N: Yes, I know I said it was over, HOWEVER, I have added a secret special SHINY SPIFFY NEW CHAPTER!!! Yes, it is short, and yes, it is foolish… But my friends and I came up with it at a party, and… well… I HAD to add it. So, here it is, the extra feature! Oh, and I don't own Hello Kitty. Don't ask…

~*~

Jack and Norrington sat in a tavern, Will sitting nearby.

"Commodore Norway?"

"Yes, Pirate?" Norrington answered, sounding rather ill-tempered at the pirate's "mispronunciation".

"Would ye like to gesticulate with me?"

Will choked and spat out his drink, before staring wide-eyed at Jack, who was staring amorously into Norrington's eyes.

"WHAT!?!" Will shrieked.

"Well…" Norrington said, completely ignoring the screaming welp, "Only if I can watch you masticate first."

Will turned a rather intriguing shade of turquoise, and his eyes became rounder than the dirty dinner plates that were being washed by a nearby kitchen wench.

Jack raised an eyebrow (that was, in fact, not proverbial at all) at Will's expression.

"What's wrong with the welp, 'ere?" he asked.

Norrington looked over at Will, who had passed out, and shrugged.

"I have not a clue."

Jack's Hat sat happily in a corner. It smiled, as Norrington seemed to forget his amusement at Will's antics and run his hand over the place above his eyes. In place of his PERFECT eyebrows, he had two rather large and pink Hello Kitty bandages. 

Jack's Hat cackled evilly. Today, Norrington's eyebrows. 

Tomorrow, the world… 

THE END

~*~

A/N: *Gesticulate: To make gestures especially while speaking, as for emphasis. 

**Masticate: To chew (food). 

You dirty, DIRTY minded people!!!


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